I Scream. You Scream.

Mom's view:

I was asking for it by picking the topic “Perfect Mom” right after Rake Wars 2009, clearly, because I think I sounded like an ogre in ___________’s post. I was really bothered by it, but when I went to work a friend quickly disabused me of the notion that it was as meaningful as I thought.

“It’s just because he wrote it while you were upset with him about the raking. If you’d picked the same topic the day after Christmas it would have been a whole different post.”

I confirmed this with __________, later on. “Remember your post about the perfect mom?”
“Yeah.”
“What if you’d written that the day after Christmas?”
He paused. “I might have focused more on the good things.”
Note to self: Do not be so stupid in the future.

Still, an unsettled feeling lingers, primarily revolving around the part where ______________ asked that I quit yelling at him so much because it scared him. This is despite the fact that I outed myself as a yeller in my own post, and despite the fact that I know the reason it scares him is because I don’t do it very often. It doesn’t bother me that he asked me to quit telling him what to do, which I laughed about, or that he asked me to quit being cranky, which I also laughed about. It bothers me that he talked about the fact that I yell. It bothers me a lot.

So I have to ask myself, “Why?”

I read an article not too long ago in my favorite newspaper, the NYT, about yelling. The article proposed a theory that yelling was the new spanking, which is something I immediately discounted.

“They’re not the same at all,” I told the computer. (In case you’re having trouble making the leap, I was reading the paper online).

I abhor spanking. I draw a clear line in the sand when it comes to physically reprimanding children, as I don’t see what possible purpose it serves. My argument against spanking is this: As far as I can tell, my purpose as a parent is to teach my child how to be an independent, moral, thoughtful adult. Punishment should teach, not hurt. If I spank my child, I’m acting in a violent way, out of anger, and it’s not teaching my child anything. When I am forced to deal with a difficult client or co-worker, I do not end the issue by slapping them. I work to come to a resolution that is thoughtful and appropriate. Why would I give any less to my child, whom I supposedly love?

Something like that. And that sounds really super mature, doesn’t it? I like to think so. I tend to espouse this theory while staring slightly above the head of the person to whom I am talking, as though I’m carefully pulling deep and meaningful thoughts out of thin air. If I could get away with smoking a pipe while pontificating, I’d do that too.

But here’s the thing. The very same argument I make about spanking could be made about yelling. How exactly does yelling at anyone help anything? What does it teach? I don’t solve issues at work by yelling, and even though I’m less likely to get fired if I resolve an issue by yelling than by smacking someone, I would still be risking my job. Why is it so easy to draw the line in the sand for physical violence, as opposed to violence of voice?

People always comment when they see a parent slap or spank a child in public. It’s inevitable. They say things like “Oh, good parenting,” or “Call DSS,” and some people even get so upset that they threaten the offending parent with violence. I hate seeing a parent act like that in public. Absolutely hate it. It scares me, and I feel sorry for the child, and I want to cry myself. But really, I feel approximately the same way when I hear a parent yell at a child. That voice raised in anger, the child clearly upset; it is all very disturbing. The parent never looks good in any situation where yelling or hitting is involved. Never.

On the other side of the coin, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with exhibiting frustration. Kids do rotten, stupid things. A lot. At least six times on a Tuesday. I’ve left _______________ in the back yard with a popsicle and a pat on the head, only to return to a shirtless, wild eyed savage standing over a wailing neighbor child wielding the splintered stick fifteen minutes later. Things can degenerate pretty quickly without discipline. Kids need to understand when they’ve done something that angers, or disappoints, or frustrates. They need to understand that actions have consequences. I don’t know that it’s so wrong for a child to know that, say, for instance, when you say you’re going to do the raking and you bail out on your mom so she has to go out and basically do it herself, and the one time you finally help you claim you have to go to the bathroom and then spend a half hour changing your shirt and reapplying your Axe body spray, this makes her mad. This would make anyone mad. If you don’t do your work at a job, you’re fired. If you don’t do your work at school, you get bad grades. What consequences do we, as parents, have to offer?

We’re not supposed to make food a reward or a punishment. I get it. Television? That doesn’t make much sense either. If you’re doing well at school you get to watch more television? Kind of sends the wrong message I think. So what then? You get to sleep with a blanket if you toe the line? That’s the thing with yelling. Unless you’re one of those people who screams all the time, like this guy I knew who I think was from the Ukraine and just basically yelled everything he thought, it’s a pretty clear indication to someone that you’re upset. That’s why it scares ______________ when I yell. He doesn’t want to disappoint me, and yet I’ve been disappointed. By doing whatever he’s done, he’s thrown off the peaceful calm of our usual existence by nudging. Mom. Right. Over. The. Edge.

But then again, it doesn’t seem to help. You’d think he could put two and two together, right? Like eventually he’d say, “Hmmm. When I say I’m going to do something and then I don’t, it seems to make mom mad. Maybe I should do what I say I’m going to do and AVOID the anger.” For some reason it doesn’t work like that. Instead, I believe the thought process goes something like, “Mom’s mad again. She’s crazy. Where’s my Kit Kat?” I’m guessing based on facial expressions.

____________’s “Perfect Mother” post bothered me so much because I agree with it. Yelling is a gratuitous outlet that serves little purpose other than release for the yeller. But when the deed is done and it’s beyond unacceptable, what do you do? How do you demonstrate levels of offense in a calm and moderated tone? Exactly how many times will I find myself outside, holding my rake (that he peeled the foamy cushioned handle off of, by the way), alone in a sea of leaves?

Son's view:

I think that yelling isn’t necessary in all situations. You deserve a good yelling when you’ve done something really wrong. But when you’ve done something not so bad you don’t deserve to be yelled at. You give them a lecture. This is just as bad as yelling. Yelling is loud and it intimidates the person you are yelling at to yell back. Which starts a fight. Now, when my mom yells at me, most of the time it is for a good reason. But once in a while she gets mad at the little things. So I guess that she doesn’t yell when she doesn’t have to.