The Perfect Mother.

Mom's view:

I picked this topic, and I hope ______________ doesn’t say I’m perfect because it isn’t true. I assured him that he could be honest and that it will not affect his rapidly expanding Christmas list, but I’m a little afraid that maybe he just doesn’t know any better because he’s 11 and because he hasn’t gotten to that stage where he realizes that I’m a moron and shouldn’t be allowed in public. Of course, I have been amazed by how much ___________ does know, so maybe he once again pinned the issue down in a lot less sentences than I will write. It will be interesting to see.

I’m a single mom. A really single mom. I don’t really date, which I claim is because I don’t want to but I suppose it’s viable that no one wants to date me either. Being a truly single parent (as opposed to someone who jumps from “uncle” to “uncle”) tends to make you and your child a fairly tight unit. It also puts you in a position where you are on your own, with no one to tell you that you are being unreasonable or crazy when you impose discipline, or when you get a particular parenting idea in your head. You can discuss these things with other family members, friends, or co-workers, but only in small doses or else they become uncomfortably aware that you don’t have a life outside of being a mom and tend to suggest that maybe you should consider dating.

On top of the fact that I’m immersed in subjective parenting on a daily basis, I also have no idea what a perfect mom might be. I’m not suggesting, via this post, that such a thing exists in some concrete way, because that’s clearly not the case. But I am suggesting that there may be a set of criteria to which a parent might aspire in order to do better. I’m just not sure what those criteria might be.

My mom was, and is, a good mother. Not a perfect one, because she’s a) human, b) had to deal with external factors that sometimes impeded her ability to parent me, and c) suffers from congenital bossiness. Factors A and B affect everyone. Factor C is unique. My mother is the type of person who would be willing to tell you exactly how to spend every waking minute of your day, whether she had any idea what your actual life entailed or not. And that’s not really her fault, because she comes from a long line of bosses. I suffer from Factor C as well, and it’s not my fault either so keep your criticisms to yourself.

Unlike _________, I have already crossed the bridge of eternal disdain and can now view my mom with what I hope is a more objective eye. Although she’s bossy, she is often right about things that she has actually experienced and is generous in sharing those experiences when you are in a tight spot. She is a fantastic cook, and she’s really fun to talk to. I was always interested in her attentions when I was younger, and I am interested in them now. She is a master at making any house she lives in feel like a home. The beds are comfortable and soft, the food is good, the cable package is excellent with portals distributed liberally throughout the house, the fire crackles in the fireplace, and the wine or chocolate milk, depending on your age, flows freely. She’s the person I call first with any news or concerns, and she never fails to offer comfort or guidance. By “guidance,” I mean she tells me what to do in lavish detail. But hey, I called.

When I embarked on being a parent myself, I really did not have a long list of ways that I wanted to be different from my own mother, unlike other people I know. I think that there are many who define parenthood by what it should not be, rather than by what it should be. Their parenting style develops in negative space, simply by approaching things in the way they expect their own parent would not. I did not feel that way about my own mother.

In fact, here is my list of things that I swore I would do differently than my mom:

1. I would not dictate how my child would wear his/her hair. My mom completely controlled my hair cuts and styles, which has resulted in a photo album full of pictures of me with permed hair. Oddly enough, my least favorite mom-imposed hair style, the “straight hair parted in the middle no bangs with a little piece pulled back on each side and secured with a decorated bobby pin,” does not appear prominently in my photo albums so I’m wondering whether I was really forced to wear it all that much.
2. I would not force my child to eat things he or she didn’t like. My mom, who fed us copious amounts of Velveeta cheese, fake sweeteners, and margarine in the name of misguided health, thought I needed to eat more red meat. I spent the better part of my childhood years spitting masticated balls of cow flesh into the toilet. To this day, the words “flank” and “steak”, when said together, make me gag a little.
3. I would try really hard to be maybe not quite so bossy about things that I am not, nor ever have been, involved in.

Seriously, that’s it! It would have been a much longer list at ____________’s age, mostly because I was a fairly sour child and felt the world did not function exactly as I would like it to. I’ve since grown into a more accommodating disposition. Plus, there are things that I wasn’t fond of at the time but weren’t what I would call characteristics of my mom. Just things that relate to Factors A and B, and that can happen to the best of us.

Now, if you look at my list of the positive characteristics I attribute to my mom, I am an abysmal failure. I recently turned off ALL cable, and I don’t let __________ have a television in his room. I am not good at making houses seem like a home – I’ve been living in this house for six years and I have still not refinished the stairs after ripping up the carpet. Most rooms have no curtains, because I can’t decide what I want, and I haven’t repainted the kitchen ceiling after the whole frozen pipes 2004 thing. I don’t let ______________ drink chocolate milk too often. I’m an okay cook, but I make a lot of quick and easy things. I’m not huge on homemade.

Also, I know there’s a list of things that I do wrong. I’m a yeller. I don’t yell hurtful things to ____________; I don’t say that he’s a bad person, or diminish him in any way. But I make my points really, really loudly on numerous occasions. I spend a lot of time with my nose in a book or writing something or watching television. I have never understood how to play with a kid, so I have to figure out a way to do things with ____________ that are fun, but don’t involve me doing something that makes me feel stupid. I tell _____________ what to do, A LOT. Then again, my mom had some of these issues as well. Ahem.

I’m not even sure that the list of things I picked out about my mom has anything to do with why I think she’s a good mom. It is just a list of things I attribute to her. And mothering is less about the person doing it than the person being mothered. For instance, after some rocky years of rebellion and poor fashion choices, I turned out okay. And I attribute this to my mom as well. She made sure I had a good education. She didn’t help me with my homework so I had to do it on my own. She basically framed my life so that there was no way I’d ever suggest I might do anything other than go to college. She let me go to New York City on my own, at 17, and let me live there over the summer after my first year of college. She drove down in record time when I ended up in the emergency room after being beaten up by a would be thief/rapist. She stood by me when I entered an ill-advised marriage, but she was also there for me when, inevitably, I needed to get out. She walked the parenting balance beam, and ultimately I feel she got it right.

So basically, I don’t know if I’m doing things right with ______________. I think he’s a great kid, so if I’m to judge by the product then I have to think that so far I’m doing okay. But we haven’t hit even the tween years yet much less the teen and young adult years. Also, we all know that things you wouldn’t expect can happen, and it’s not fair to point fingers at parents for everything. I guess, when it comes down to it, I hope the lessons I’ve taught him serve him well. I hope I’m able to give him the freedom he needs to become an independent adult, and the comfort of knowing that if something goes awry, I’m always there for him. I hope he looks back on these days fondly, and I hope he smiles when he thinks of me.

Son's view:

Well the perfect mother for most kids would probably let them eat whatever they want, let them stay up late, etc. I love my mom but here are the things that I would change:

1. Stop yelling so much! I hate it when you yell and I get scared when you yell!
2. Try not to explain every single thing that you need me to do! I get what you are saying and ill figure out what I need to do!
3. Don’t be so cranky! Sometimes when you are out raking or you’ve just done something hard you get cranky and then you start to yell and the cycle begins.

That’s what I think would make the perfect mother.

Mom's response:

Okay, so apparently I'm subpar in numerous ways, but he loves me anyway except for the fact that I'm a cranky bossy yeller. I feel so warm in my heart. And by the way, I'm cranky about the raking because ___________ was supposed to do it and bailed out completely. And yes I dragged him out anyway, but it was like trying to get an amoeba to rake. I gave up. I was OWED that crankiness. You know what? I feel like yelling.