The Best Way to Spend Money.

Mom's view:

Did I mention that __________ is the ultimate consumer? I picked this blog topic just to spur him into a (probably really short) diatribe about things. When I was a kid, all I could think about were all the things I didn’t have but wanted. Those stupid little duck shoes from L.L. Bean were all the rage when I was young, and I coveted those things like crazy. The ones that were popular, of course, were the ones that didn’t protect your feet at all because they were basically a really ugly pair of shoes. Sure, they were rubber. And fully waterproof, as long as it wasn’t actively raining and there were no puddles, or as long as snow accumulation was no more than ½ inch (taking into consideration the kick up factor).

Ralph Lauren Polo was the ultimate clothing line - madras shirts and those extra fuzzy sweaters. Also, more L.L. Bean: Norwegian fishing sweaters. Those navy blue ones with the white check marks all over them? Because a bunch of 7th grade girls like to spend their free time fishing in impractical boots. As if the silliness of the outfits wasn’t enough, it was all horribly expensive and you were supposed to have a lot of it.

My mother was ridiculously clueless, of course. Although we lived in country club land and had a nice house, she was still firmly bound by her Iowan roots and hated spending a fortune on stupid items.
“Look, I got you one of those sweaters you wanted.”
“This isn’t the kind I want.”
“But it has a horse on it.”
“This isn’t the right horse. This horse has an extra full mane and is rearing back. And there’s no polo stick or a rider. This horse is horrible.”
“It’s the exact same thing. And it was half the price.”

Oh, but it wasn’t. We all know that. The difference between that horse and a polo horse was the difference between a Holly Hobby lunch box and a brown paper bag. You might as well stuff yourself in a locker with that stupid, insanely coiffed, hyperactive horse. Just cut your hair with a Flo-bee and call it a day. With a horse like that, you might as well join the Future Cheese Makers of America and pick your nose freely. I think I am being perfectly temperate when I say that the horse on the sweater my mother picked out for me was the end of the world. The bitter, bitter end.

And here I am today, thinking she wasn’t so far off. The problem was that she tried to match the horse. You can’t match the horse. The horse is a LOGO. You have to have the right logo. But if you get a regular sweater that’s similar to the fuzzy polo sweaters with NO horse, that’s okay, right? Maybe not. But I have to say, spending a fortune on clothes is beyond stupid. I realize that now. I need an Abercrombie and Fitch belt so I can beat this concept into my child.

Or maybe a blog. So _____________, please. Listen to me. The best way to spend money is as follows:

1. On trips you can take with someone you love, like your son. Every cent I’ve spent on a trip with you has turned into a vivid memory. I will carry those with me forever.
2. On charities that mean something to you. I remember every cent I’ve given away, and the joy it has given me to be able to help out in a time of need.
3. On healthy, whole foods. Good nutrition is an investment in your future. When you grow old you will want to be able to live as if you were young. The link between good nutrition and good aging is clear. Give yourself that gift.
4. On giving your child a stable life. Shelter, warmth, food, and comfort.
5. On a pet. Animals give far more than they take.
6. On your retirement. No one wants to be old and poor. Make sure you save enough for your future.

I understand you. I understand your desire for clothes, cell phones, PSP 75.0 with the built in food processor, televisions, fur carpets and disco balls. I understand it all. But I promise you that childhood is a fleeting thing you will never want to revisit except on occasion and for a very short time. I promise you that one day, when you look at a picture of yourself in your baggy shorts, you will laugh as hard as I did when I saw that picture of myself with my acid wash jeans tucked into my socks and my Flock of Seagulls haircut (although I think acid wash is coming back any minute now). I promise you that you will remember those things you coveted as a distant joke with a punch line you forgot.

No? Not buying it? Yeah, neither did I.

Son's view:

I think that you should be able to spend money on whatever you want. For example, I want some new clothes from Abercrombie (I have a gift card) and my mom says that she won’t let me get it until I grow out of old clothes. Now, most of my old clothes, I don’t like, and Abercrombie is the most popular brand of clothes in the school. Now some of my clothes people bought me and I only wore once or twice (most of the time I didn’t like them). so I just want the stuff and we just cleaned out the closet and some of the time I don’t have clothes for school.