When I proposed this topic to ___________, he was not enthused. I (obliviously) thought it might be interesting to get a perspective from someone that young on what it means to be getting older. Also, I tend to know _________’s opinion on many of the topics we’ve discussed so far, but I had absolutely no idea what he was going to say about this one. Until he started telling me that he hated the topic and didn’t know what to write, because it didn’t mean anything to him, in that whiny voice that drives me to distraction. Over and over. After the 70th time of hearing how stupid the topic was, I said “Fine! Write about how stupid it is then! Just write something!”
I didn’t hear a word after that, and he started writing intently. So now I can pretty much guess what he’s going to say even though I haven’t read it. And really, that makes sense. The kid is 11 and in his eyes, immortal. Getting older to him means anticipation of things he can’t do but would like to. First love, first achievements, driving, voting, and of course other things I don’t really want to think about.
For me, though, this is a pretty poignant topic. I just turned 40, and I have found myself inadvertently taking stock of my life, and making changes in the way that I live. I have been more self-reflective, and I have felt an internal shift in my point of view. It is not an unpleasant feeling, but it is unexpected.
Until recently, I had always assumed I would live to be at least 100. The women in my family are notoriously long lived (and bossy, but that’s another story) and I’ve always been healthy and all, so I don’t think that assumption is necessarily too far from the mark. But here’s the thing I now realize: you can die any time. I hate even saying that out loud, because it seems like tempting fate. I can just see my mom shaking her head and saying, “she had just written that she could die at any time, and then she got hit by that bus. It was the oddest thing.” Then she breaks down weeping, of course.
I know you can die at any time because right after I turned 40, I started to read the obituaries. I have no idea why, because 40 was not a difficult milestone for me. I get confused for a much younger person a lot. (I like to think it’s because I look so awesome and not because I’m immature for my age or because I once accidentally wore a half-shirt to yoga on the day the yoga teacher felt the need to correct my pose and knocked me over, thereby calling attention to the half-shirt) I exercise pretty much daily, am content with my life and generally feel pretty great overall.
And yet.
When I read an obituary, the first thing I do is look at the age of the person who died. Sometimes, they don’t print the age, which is such a cheat, at which point I try to figure it out by the year they graduated, the apparent age of the person in the picture, and other clues embedded in the narrative. My research has uncovered an alarming number of people who live only 10 -30 years after they turn 40. As you may have noticed, this is less years than it took to get to 40 which, I can tell you definitively, happens FAST. Supersonic fast.
There are stories of people who recently retired from their jobs and who barely had any time to enjoy not working before they “died suddenly,” or “died after a short illness.” What illness is that? There are a lot of people who are still working towards their retirement and die before they ever get that chance. On any given Sunday, which for me is obituary reading day, the percentage of deaths of people aged 50-69 is anywhere between 10 and 30%. I didn’t actually calculate that out, but it seems like an accurate estimate given my state of concern over the issue. Premature death is occupying 10 – 30% of my thoughts.
I think part of the problem with aging when you hit the 40 mark is that no one really talks up the stuff we have to look forward to. __________ hears daily about how great it is to drink rum and drive cool cars, but there is a distinct lack of well thought out media about retirement and senior citizen’s discounts. Nor, in my opinion, is there any effort to focus on what the aging population really cares about. I still have my youth inside of me, and I hold it close. By the time I turn 65, it will be the new 12, the way we’re going. But from the media I see, the only things people of a certain age care about are their estate planning, the fit of their Depends undergarments, and their grandchildren. I’m sure you think about these things, but they aren’t exactly goals.
In fact, the more I think about it the surer I become that life itself is my goal. I want to make sure that I continue to live it, and that I don't retreat into some sort of a half life just because I'm getting older. When I look back at this ripe old age of 40, I realize that my life has never been the one I expected to have. It’s been different in every conceivable way from the life I had planned for myself. The twists and turns were always unexpected and never usual. Half the fun has been figuring out how to make the best of whatever I ended up with, because there are only so many things that are within your control. I’m lucky: I’ve had a lot of trials, but I like where I ended up after all of them. I can firmly say that I’m proud of how I crafted subpar situations into a life that ultimately makes me very happy. I’d like to be around a lot longer to see what happens next, and I’d like to know there will be a lot more curves on the road.
So for me, my incessant stock taking has led to this: I am making changes designed to ensure that my life will continue to be an exciting ride. I will embrace aging, and I will fight stasis. And I might even seek a second career in the advertising biz. I’m pretty sure I could make retirement look pretty freaking amazing. Especially on a discount.
Son's view:
The getting older topic is a very stupid topic, so I refuse to write about getting older. But what I will write is reasons about why I hate this topic.
1. I think that all you can write about is birthdays.
2. Getting older is a topic I would not like to think about right now because I’m only eleven.
3. I don’t like to wish away life.
4. I would not like to think about my future because I’m scared what might happen.
5. The only reason I like getting older is because I like getting presents, and seeing peoples faces when they open a good present.
that is what I think of this topic.
Mom's view of Son's view:
Unexpected. This is a good post. I think number 3 says it all, and if you can hold onto that you'll have a great time. Number 4 makes me sad. Why are you scared? I hope you weren't looking at me when you wrote that one. Should I be feeling insulted?
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